Things I Used To Be - Part 2

For the first part of this exciting series, go here.

Things I Used To Be: Athletic

I say I played sports in the way that people with expensive SUVs say that they go camping. It's not that I didn't do it, but no one should assume that I was hardcore about it. Well, actually, I was an "all-star athlete" but in a very "Valedictorian of the Remedial Class" kind of way.

In some ways, my sports career peaked rather early. I was a fearsome softball pitcher when I was still in grammar school. If I recall correctly, I was responsible for several perfect games, and I was a wicked closer. I had played almost every position at one time or another except for catcher - I'm too large to do any crouching for an extended period of time. Although if I wasn't pitching, I was often 3rd base. There wasn't a lot of downtime over at 3rd base because 9 year-olds don't hit too well; I spent much of my time dodging foul balls. (When I think about it now, giving small children steel bats probably isn't the safest thing either.) Unfortunately my reign at the top of junior league softball was cut short, and I would never again achieve that kind of mid-level infamy.

I should also mention that I could never claim allegiance with any fearsome-sounding team. I played softball for the Chickadees - complete with perky yellow jerseys. In 7th and 8th grade, I played for the Cardinals which, believe me, is the least chickenshit of the lot. And in high school, it was the Koalas. I kid you not. Can you imagine the choose-our-mascot meeting when this was decided? "Okay, Sr. Joanne, we've got a progressive, Catholic all-female school. How do we want our athletes represented? Tree-dwelling marsupials! Genius!" I mean, I suppose we could have been the Angry Tampons for Jesus. Maybe Cuddly Puppies was taken. In any case, it was kind of demoralizing playing against teams like the Scarsdale Raiders or the Ardsley Panthers. Even more embarrassing was trying to pretend that it wasn't that bad - on the vending machine in the cafeteria scrolled "Go Killer Koalas!" Oh, for real. Even getting a Mountain Dew was an exercise in shame.

Probably the best match-up in the county was when our team played against the New Rochelle High School Huguenots. They actually had their mascot dress up as a swashbuckling Frenchman, who looked like a fey version of Captain Morgan.

You learn quickly that taking high school athletics casually is really just a good way to kick your own ass. Keep in mind that I never had any high-minded volleyball career aspirations. I certainly wasn't out for blood. And thus I didn't train in the off-season, which means that try-outs every August were particularly painful. For those who have never played volleyball, it's kind of hard to describe the particular pain of hitting a high-velocity leather object repeatedly with the inside of your forearms. We also did a lot of short-burst running drills and, by God, if there's anything I hate more than sit-ups, it's running. (This is largely why I was more suited to softball, since it involves more standing around and wearing hats, two things at which I excel.) Making matters worse is the fact that the coaches can smell ambivalence - and, yes, in case you're wondering: all-girls sports are indeed overseen by bitterly repressed lesbians in cargo shorts. Although we did have two coaches, one of whom was engaged to the janitor, so how's that for bucking a trend. A majority of the reason why I was never a starter and never promoted to varsity was because I simply didn't care enough - I played volleyball because I was reasonably good at it and basketball involved too much running.

** Minor aside: The year before I started high school, the dubiously-monikered Koalas had won the basketball state championship. When I was taking a tour of the school with my mother, our guide was a senior who was also a forward on the basketball team. She looked me up and down before asking hopefully, "So you play basketball?" I said no, I played volleyball. "Oh," she sniffed. Ouch! Dismissed! Hopefully this gives some indication as to the meager standing we held in the hierarchy of Koala sports. **

I used to wonder what happened to the girls on my team who were rabid players - taking dives for spikes, playing with what I still maintain were ridiculously pretentious and unnecessary sports braces. Maybe some of them went on to play in college, although I doubt it. Have you seen female college volleyball teams? Yeah, damn. They will kill you and eat your face. I would imagine that even the best of the Killer Koalas probably got summarily dismissed, which makes the intense seriousness in which our coaches tried to cloak themselves all the more laughable. Yeah, volleyball is your life. Aren't you late to teach 4th-period Health or something?

When all was said and done, my tenure as an athlete ended not due to the fact that I refused to play another year of JV volleyball (although, yeah, that would have been really lame) but because I had annoying and ultimately preventative surgery during the summer before my junior year of high school. On and off these days I kind of miss it, despite the fact that I doubt I would approach any sport with any more conviction than I did in high school. It would be nice though to play for something that sounds a little intimidating for once. Maybe the Manhattan intramural volleyball league needs a new team. I hope Angry Tampons for Jesus isn't taken.