Johnnie and Ella

If you ever have one of those nights where you decide the best thing you can do is snuggle up with some jazz and a bottle of scotch (the whole bottle), let me elaborate on the necessary precautions that you should take:

• Turn off your cell phone: people that you haven't spoken to in five years will not call you back. They don't even remember who you are. Or, if they do, they will not accept the charges.
• You will sing: loudly and enough to annoy the gay guys next door, despite the fact that it's basically payback since you've had to listen to more than your share of Kylie Minogue at high volumes. But be aware that you're not in the key you think you are. And that song is harder to sing than you think it is. But go on, girlfriend.
• Make the drinks stronger: who cares if the soda is flat? And don't worry about how late the deli across the street is open. Drinking it straight will seem less unsavory in a little while, trust me.
• Pretend: go ahead and think you're tragically romantic. You are drunk by yourself and cursing iTunes because they don't have the painfully sad, live version of "One More For My Baby" that you wanted. Just listen to something by AC/DC and get over yourself.

And the important thing to remember is that tomorrow? Yeah. It's going to hurt.