"LA Ink" - The longest hour of my life

Previously in the life of Kat Von D:

• Kat does many realistic portrait tattoos of dead babies, grandparents.
• Kat threatens the masculinity of Ami James by virtue of her mere presence.
• Kat ditches inexplicable, trolly husband.
• Kat loses roughly 25 lbs, probably at the behest of network executives.

All of which seems much more interesting than anything that happened on Monday night.

I watched "Miami Ink" more regularly in the first season that I do now, but I always liked Kat. She seemed low-key and cool, and I thought it would be fun to go drinking with her and Kelly Clarkson. And she is tall, which I appreciate. So I was happy that she has her own show, and I'm thoroughly fascinated with watching the motley parade of folks getting tattoos. Seeing people justify why they want a dolphin holding a rose - graffiti-style - to commemorate their divorce (they're FREE now, you see!) is always entertaining.*

But, for the love of gawd, how did it actually take 42 minutes (excluding the airtime devoted to the GEICO cavemen) for the following to occur:

Walking around Hollywood. So edgy! So awesome! It's like the "Welcome to the Jungle" video where Axl gets off the bus and is seduced by the glamorous rock and roll underworld. Also heroin. Except Kat isn't shooting up in the bathroom at the Whisky - she's meeting with her contractor. Dude, talking about construction is almost as rad as WATCHING IT HAPPEN. But don't worry, there will be some of that later. But Kat's contractor has full sleeves and wears an ironic fedora so it's totally edgy.

To be fair, Kat does do a tattoo for Eric Balfour, whose character on "Conviction" was cute and charming and evidently nothing like how he is in real life - which is sort of a tool. His tattoo is a skull with butterflies, which somehow represents that he really digs living in LA - because it's awesome! Kat agrees that LA is awesome. The design is based on (wait for it) the album art for HIS BAND. Of course he's in a band. They show a brief clip of Eric Balfour's band - wow, OK. Do not want.

Kat walks around LA some more, and it's still awesome! She tries to convince Corey Miller, one of her mentors, to come work at her shop instead of his. Even though his shop actually exists and hers...not so much right now. Corey makes like he won't do it, but we've all seen the print ads, and so we knew how that's going to end up.

Seriously? We're only 20 minutes in? Dude.

Then it's off on a countrywide "search" to introduce us to the other artists that have already been hired. Many shots of planes taking off and other cities that are not as awesome as LA. Which is obviously why Kat is able to get them to pick up and move pretty easily. I mean, her argument is basically, "Dudes! I'm opening a shop in LA - which is awesome, by the way! Come work for...I mean, with me! In my shop! That doesn't exist yet!" She could sell ice to Eskimos, that one.

Kat does another tattoo (we're up to 2, if you're counting and you shouldn't bother) - a half-sleeve consisting of (I am not making this up) the LA skyline. What? LA has a skyline? I wasn't aware of any building there having more than 5 floors. Kat explains that she really wants to do a good job, since she would be totally dissing the awesomeness of LA if every little detail isn't perfect. Truly, I had no idea that the LA skyline was so distinctive. But I do not for one second question it's awesomeness.

Oh, PS, Kat is really glad to be back in LA. Because it's her hometown. And because LA is amazingly awesome. Those of us who don't live in LA...well, we can never truly understand the awesome awesomeness that is LA.

Is it over? Finally? Thank God. I mean, it's not like TLC isn't going to rerun it 150 times before next week's exciting installment - when Kat gets to watch more construction in action (rad!) and sit around at sidewalk cafes with her newly relocated staff. Because the shop? Still? Not so much.

* I have tattoos, and I intend on getting more. So I feel fully entitled to pass judgement on people who get completely asinine - albeit well-executed - body art. Especially people who make it my business by getting said body art on national television.