How to be dead

Yesterday afternoon at work, Jenny and I were discussing how we would like to be disposed of after we're dead. As you do.

"I think I'd want people to eat me," she announced. "Like, you know, have a big dinner and eat me. They could have roasted Jenny or rack of Jenny or Jenny burgers."

This is extra awesome because Jenny is vegetarian. Her original plan was simply to be buried in her black & white polka-dot Betsey Johnson dress.

I had never really put all that much thought into specifics, although I definitely don't want to be buried. Or eaten, for that matter. Although for some reason, the indignity of being stuffed, dressed and put on display in an expensive box before being left to rot seems worse than having my remains marinated and pan-seared to be served with au gratin potatoes.

The preciousness with which dead people are treated has always confused me. We are, in the simplest terms, just sacks of meat with a temporary sparkle of consciousness. The whole ceremony behind the disposal of the meat-sack - whether it be to bury it, taking up (as George Carlin once said) valuable land space that we could put to better use, or burn it and keep the ashes on display somewhere to be revered - is weird and a little cultish.

So as these things go, the concept of being made into jewelry is no less dignified, I suppose. But really? Who comes up with this stuff?

What is a LifeGem®?
The LifeGem® is a certified, high-quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life, or as a symbol of your personal and precious bond with another.

So in fact diamonds could literally be your best friend, assuming your best friend is dead.

The whole site is completely bizarre - moreso because they are Totally Not Kidding - but my favorite bit was in the "how to order" section.

Separate out NO MORE THAN 8 ounces (about 1 Cup) of the cremated remains and tightly secure in a plastic bag or other plastic container. DO NOT send all of the remains unless you have chosen our additional scattering option or return option. We only need 8 ounces to produce all of the LifeGem diamonds on your order.

Just to clarify - they want you to MEASURE OUT a cup of your loved one's ashes, put them in a Tupperware and mail them off.

"Hey, I love your ring!"

"Thanks - all it took was one scoop of Grandma!"