Friday, August 01, 2008

29 Dimensions of Evil

I've decided that I'm not comfortable with eHarmony.

My primary reason for this is the obvious – people that require a 40-question survey to find someone suitable for a relationship don’t need to be validated or encouraged to breed. These are the same singles that shake their fist at the sky with one hand while the other clutches a dog-eared copy of The Rules. They just can’t understand why it’s not working out. After all, they know exactly what they want - right down to the percentage of time their ideal partner ought to spend thinking about lawn fertilizer.

Enter Dr. Neil Clark Warren (and do we really believe he's a doctor in any legitimate sense?) acting as the shepherd of lonely hearts everywhere, guiding the lost and lovelorn into satisfying, nurturing, heterosexual relationships (read: marriage - living in sin is not eHarmonious). But live and let live, right? What do I care if a website wants to get some aggressively rigid people hitched? As long as they pair up with each other, fewer of them are left to intermingle with the general population.

On the other hand, more and more I notice how subversive the eHarmony message really is. That’s right - I'm on to you, Dr. Neil, and your propaganda machine. Something about all the shiny, happy, racially matched couples in the commercials is starting to look very Orwellian, is it not? Big Brother wants you to get on with the business of socially-approved mating and populating The Nation. Your life is empty and meaningless - find your pre-screened, genetically suitable mate today! Work is good! Resistance is futile! Soylent green is people! Pretty soon we're all going to be assigned numbers, sent off to gender-specific work camps and living under the rule of androids. So maybe that's a little dramatic, but it's a slippery slope - especially given that we live in a time when our rights to bring shampoo aboard an airplane are under attack.

It's also worth pointing out that the whole foundation of the eHarmony process is false: "We match you based on 29 dimensions of compatibility." Let's face it - most people don't have 29 dimensions. None of the people I know have more than two or three. If you do have 29 dimensions, then it's a probably safe bet you also yell obscenities at strangers and wear your underwear outside your clothes. Stay right there - the bus for the group home will be picking you up shortly. Try this experiment: find someone in your general vicinity and ask him to tell you 29 things about himself. I guarantee that by the time he reaches number 7, he's saying things like "I like beer pong" or "I own the Foreigner box set."

Have we all gotten so jaded as a culture that we no longer trust ourselves to decide whether or not we get along with someone well enough to engage in a relationship? Has the day come when we need to have a computer program determine this for us, based on whether we like “slapstick” or “gentle” humor? There is no option to select “dead baby jokes” which eliminates most of the people that I personally would find compatible.

The other premise of their “matching system” is also laughable. According to Dr. Neil, we can only find The Right Person by showing them "who you really are at the very deepest level." This makes me think of the moment in the V miniseries when the aliens peeled their skin off, revealing who they really were at the very deepest level: EVIL LIZARDS FROM SPACE! Think about the last few people you even remotely considered seeing naked - did you really want to know who they were at the Very. Deepest. Level? Probably not. For that very reason, most of us have enough common sense to keep our crazy to ourselves. Quite frankly, I don't even want to know who I really am at the very deepest level - I'm sure it's a cold, dark pit of dysfunction. Let's not even think about it. For that reason, I'm keeping my reptilian sheen under wraps, thank you very much. Is it really the best idea to wear your damage on your sleeve for the sake of dating efficiency? That’s like being introduced to someone and saying, "Hi, I'm Terry, and I have deep-seated issues with abandonment and an unresolved attachment to my mother. Are you free this weekend?" Trust me when I say that your deepest levels need to be kept away from the masses whenever possible if we’re all expected to deal with each other on a daily basis.

Despite the assertions of the eHarmony ads, there is not “someone who’s been waiting for you since the day you were born.” Besides being more than a little creepy, it promotes the false notion that two people can be snapped together like Legos, assuming that their tic marks in a survey match up. That being the case, I'd even like to start a campaign here and now to champion the superficial relationship. One which might not lead to marriage! One based on only 1 or 2 dimensions of compatibility! There’s something to be said for simply – and this is crazy, so bear with me – getting to know someone in order to ascertain his or her suitability as a mate. Or maybe even just suitability for hanging out and watching the SciFi Channel. Let’s all try to have fewer relationship requirements beyond “Not a convicted felon” and “Makes a genuine effort,” and maybe we have a chance to beat Dr. Neil at his own game.

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