Dear eBay Customers:

First of all, I'd like to thank you for providing me with a fairly healthy source of extra income these last few years. I really appreciate it, since I doubt I would be able to fund my wine habit without you. However, some of you are really causing me to question whether you really ought to be a) using the Internet or b) committing any acts of retail whatsoever. So let's go over a few simple guidelines which will hopefully make any further transactions less irritating for me.

Stop asking me if the J. Crew skirt I was good enough to fully document with actual photos of the actual item with the actual tag attached is "authentic." Seriously, people. Please don't even tell me there exists a place to get knock-off J. Crew because that's just really sad. I know there's a place to buy knock-off Louis Vuitton, Chanel and (God help me) Juicy Couture - it's called Canal Street. I also know there's a place to buy knock-off Banana Republic - it's called The Gap. However, if there is a place where one can obtain J. Crue, I have no idea where that is - nor do I want to find out because I'm sure that it's a sign of the collapse of modern society. If you're really that concerned about the authenticity of your argyle sweaters or hideous horse-print satin skirts, I suggest you purchase them at full price from your local J. Crew retailer.

Another note on authenticity: the fact that you're getting on your moral high horse in the first place is a little laughable, no? I'm well aware that eBay perpetuates a culture whereby anyone who's selling anything is automatically assumed to be an unscrupulous child rapist who robs graves when not ripping off any wide-eyed innocent foolish enough to bid on his or her items. But let's be real and admit that both sides of the transaction are inherently shady. You buyers are certainly not without your own coating of sleaze. If it matters that much to you, just bid on those pants, then take them over to your nearest Club Monaco and ask a friendly salesperson to verify that they're genuine Club Monaco sweatshop product. Oh, right, because then you'd have to admit that you bought them off eBay in the first place, you stinking hypocrite. So shut up.

Hey. You see that section that says "shipping costs"? Cool, ok. You see where it says "Worldwide shipping cost: $15.00"? Right, right. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but The World pretty much encompasses the whole planet. All of it. Not just the nice parts where we go on vacation. So that probably answers your question as to how much I charge to ship to Uzbekistan or Taiwan or wherever the hell you live that's not America without you having to email me, right? Oh. I guess not.

No, I don't have it in another size. Because I'm not one of those people who buys things in 4 different sizes with the intention of eventually getting started on that diet of organic swiss chard and Xantrex 3 so I can fit into them. And then selling them on eBay when I realize I'm still never going to be a size 6. Just because you do that doesn't mean I do.

Asking for the measurement of the waistband, cuff or other completely ludicrious part of the garment is only going to piss me off. I'm giving you all the measurements you need, folks. And, really, let's be frank: you know whether a size Large is going to fit you or not. So don't waste my time. I would say don't waste yours, but I don't think your time is all that valuable to begin with.

Be aware of what a cheap, nitpicking assclown you look like when you try to haggle over shipping. I'm only charging you $8.00 for overnight shipping within these United States, unlike most of my fellow sellers who will gouge you $25.00 to send your stuff via presorted standard mail. And I don't care if you'd rather me drop it off in an unmarked plastic bag next to the service entrance at Burger King so your mentally challenged brother can pick it up on his Razor scooter, or whatever other ridiculous "alternate method" of goods exchange you would prefer. Do you call up customer service at Victoria's Secret and try to negotiate with them or do you just happily bend over and pay $13.50 for them to mail you the ill-fitting bras you ordered? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Once we've completed a sale - I have my money, you have whatever piece of shit that I didn't want anymore - don't email me and ask me to leave you feedback. That pretty much ensures that I won't. Or, even less pleasant, I will leave negative feedback which states that you came to my house, stole the item, pistol-whipped my grandmother and pissed in my houseplants. So don't push it. Increasing your feedback rating isn't going to make you any less of a waste of space.

So I hope that going forward we can avoid these annoying little bumps in the road on our way to a successful transaction.

Oh, before I forget: I'd also like to send a special hello out to that lying bitch who bought two pairs of shoes, broke the heel off one of them, filed a bogus complaint with Pay Pal and ripped me off for $157. Don't forget that I have your home address.