My dignity is in a plastic bin

George Carlin does a great bit about airline travel.



I watched the whole show so much when I was 12 that I wore out the VHS tape and still have most of it committed to memory. I involuntarily recite the above airline rant to myself anytime I fly. Seatbelt! High tech shit!

I have a mixed relationship with travel. On one hand, I really like being other places. However, the process of getting to other places is never anything except tedious and irritating, filled with a lot of stupid and people pretending to be important. Maybe the only exception would be driving, although I generally take a passive role there as well. My job is to navigate, often with interesting results since being nearsighted doesn't lend itself well to reading highway signs at a distance, and to make sure that the music situation is properly handled. But I've officially decided that I care not for flying. Not at all.

A few weeks ago, I got to LaGuardia maybe an hour before I was supposed to board my flight to Denver. I got in the security line with my carry-on and my "personal item." While I wouldn't consider myself a frequent flyer by any means - I fly maybe 5 or 6 times a year - I still try to make my trip through security as efficient as possible. I wear slip-on sneakers and no jewelry. I take off my jacket and lay it flat in the plastic bucket. I leave my bowie knife/handgun/taser at home - something that evidently escapes the mind of some folks, which why there are signs to that effect. These are simple things - things that anyone who's been anywhere near an airport since 1990 ought to be well-versed in. So that's why I get highly irritated at these self-important corporate assholes who we're supposed to believe fly every week have to hold up the process. They wait until they're about to walk through the metal detector before the remember they have to take off their shoes, take the $34 in change out of their pocket and take their fucking laptop out of it's case. I watched one guy go through the metal detector about 4 times before they finally let him go without figuring out why it was going off.

But who gets pulled out of line for being a suspected threat to airline security? Yeah. Exactly.

For the second time in my flying career (which started almost 15 years ago, PS), I had my shoulder bag searched. Awesome. They're really taking this whole illusion of safety thing quite seriously. With the air of friendly severity I've become well-acquainted with in the last couple of years, a member of airport security told me to wait so he could get some gloves. Just to complete the overall symbolism of a hand up your ass, I guess.

"Do you have any dangerous materials in here that I need to be aware of?"

No, but I do have quite a few loose maxi pads in there, which - Oh, OK, cool. Just throw those on the table there. Not a problem. Also feel free to unzip every item in there and poke around. Yes, that's where I keep my condoms. Never hurts to be an optimist, right? Haha! I'm so glad we're having this time to get to know each other.

"Well, I for one feel a lot safer now," I said when Officer Precaution was finished.

He gave me blank look, unsure if I was kidding, and told me I was clear to proceed. I guess I should be glad that I wasn't strip searched at a detention center and put on a watch list. I'm hoping that Al Quaeda never decides to start putting explosives in Kotex because then I am so screwed.