Let me ask you something

Wouldn't have it have been smarter to just stop after, say, 3? Maybe 2? I mean, call me pragmatic or, at worst, skeptical of the odds, but is this one of those situations where you just keep at it until you get it right?

Evidently the Discovery Health Channel will answer that question:

Imagine a family with six children under 14 living in an 1100 sq. ft. house, with one bathroom. Now imagine that all 6 of those children are autistic.

Also, EPIC FAIL at house selection.

Summer of '62

I haven't watched a episodic TV series in a long time, probably not since college. In a practical sense, there's no way I can commit to be available at a particular time every week to watch something. And much to the horror of most everyone I know, I refuse to get TiVo. It seems pretty pointless since the Discovery Health Channel reruns episodes of Untold Stories of the ER often enough to ensure that I catch every adorable second of Dr. Dorian's screen time (call me, Armand!) Plus given that almost every series goes immediately to DVD upon the completion of each season, I can always Netflix anything that really warrants my attention.

On the other hand, I don't take commitement to a series at all lightly - when I'm a fan, I'm a fan all the way. I keep scrapbooks, I go to conventions, I made a small shrine in my closet and pray to it. And I can hardly bear the disappointment of getting all emotionally invested in a show, only to have it go to complete shit or get cancelled before its prime for lack of viewership. Which seems to happen more and more frequently these days than in the tender, golden years of my youth.

So while I was intially intrigued by the concept when Mad Men premiered last year, I kept my distance. After all, could I really trust that AMC would see this thing through? Plus I had no great love for The Sopranos, and Matthew Weiner's pedigree was the show's biggest selling point at that time. Oh, what a difference a year makes. Your marketing dollars were well-spent, AMC, because I am 110% on board for the 2nd season. Although now I have to be somewhere every Sunday at 10PM. Dammit.

Reasons I have fully embraced Mad Men

• According to the production team, everything involved with the set design is authentic pieces from the early 60s - the costumes, the cars, the furniture are all genuine, as opposed to reproductions meant to look period. Bravo, set designer - many awards may you win, and Chris may you someday hire.

• The behavior of the characters is also firmly rooted in the social mores of the early 60s, including the not-so-PC bits that might have otherwise been glossed over in favor of not offending the masses. There is constant drinking ("Shall we drink before or after the meeting? Why not both?") and smoking, openly rampant sexism and slightly more subtle racism. It's bold, sure, but it's also refreshing to see the time period portrayed for what it actually was - good and bad - as opposed to some watered-down interpretation to make the everyone who was there feel better about themselves.

• Jon Hamm is my ideal male specimen made flesh - he is big and dark and often depicted making the sex. And I can see this on a regular weekly basis? Excellent.

• Much like The X-Files, my previous long-standing TV obsession, it's the sort of show that rewards you for hanging in there from the beginning (or, in my case, watching the entire 1st season on my iPod before picking up the 2nd) since the backstory is revealed in layers. I remember getting seriously irritated with Alias when, in an attempt to attract a bigger audience, the writers decided to close the 1st season by burning down the entire original premise of the show and starting over. I call bullshit on you, J.J. Abrams. Chris Carter was having none of that - if you started watching The X-Files in the middle of the 4th season, then you sir were just fucked and that's how it was. Man, I miss the good old days when we all had 60-minute attention spans.

• It makes me yearn for a time when I could get away with wearing fabulous tailored dresses and roundtoe heels on a regular basis. Something about the strict social code of dressing up is very appealing. One does tire of one's fashionably distressed jeans being suitable for almost every occasion, after all.

• I did mention Jon Hamm is sexing a lot of laydeez, yeah?

Surprise! You've won a raging anxiety disorder!

The basic premise of "Scare Tactics" is a little absurb, at least from the viewer's perspective. Is it really that entertaining to watch people be freaked out by completely fake and often beyond stupid scenarios? I guess there's some smug satisfaction in thinking that YOU wouldn't completely lose your shit if confronted by a "failed genetic experiment" - i.e. a midget in a rat costume.

However leave it to Japan to pervert the entire concept by taking it way above and beyond limits of reasonable restraint. Now there probably isn't anyone among us who probably wouldn't react the same way as this poor woman if two guys ON FIRE came running toward you after carjacking someone and firing weapons in your general direction.



She doesn't seem terribly relieved when she finds out that the whole thing was staged as an exploitation of her emotional response to lack of PERSONAL SAFETY. All in good fun, right? She even gets a t-shirt...and probably agoraphobia for the rest of her life.

More Great Moments In Music Licensing

Here's something YOU oughta know, VH1: I'm going to have a seizure if I hear that Duffy song one more time.

Maybe it's not really fair to complain, though, since any small gesture by the mainstream entertainment overlords to promote up-and-coming artists should be encouraged. I have over 700 hours worth of music on my iPod, and even I'm bored. Given that I'm inundated with new music on a regular basis, I can't imagine how people with real jobs and no access to free album advances manage to stumble across anything other than what the marketing monkeys dangle in front of you.

Ah, but there is a way. Music supervision to the rescue. However, they will only take you halfway there. Like all good things, you have to work for it.

Generally I have very little patience for car commericals since (along with erectile dysfunction medication) there are few products that I'm less likely to buy, no matter how hard you sell it. I do have to applaud Kia, though, for a clever concept as well as for introducing me to Joe Purdy.



After seeing the commerical for the 30th time, I realized that I found the song endearing rather than annoying and did a little research online. Having an intense fondess for gifted songwriters, I promptly added all of Joe Purdy's albums to my collection. I can't imagine I ever would have heard of him otherwise, given that he is unlikely to collaborate with Timbaland and my refusal to watch Grey's Anatomy.

One afternoon there was a marathon of that short-lived Dick Wolf experiement Conviction on SleuthTV (yes, it's really a channel, and I feel sorry for you if you don't have it - Simon & Simon reruns!). I got sort of suckered into the show itself, but after 12 hours of hearing the theme song, I was intrigued enough to find out who it was. The song was edgy and electronic and not really the sort of thing that you'd think would lend itself to a show about 20-something Manhattan ADAs and their wacky hijinx. Oh but it works! Thus my introduction to Syntax.




Streaming episodes of Conviction are archived here, for the curious - it's really pretty entertaining.

More recently, VH1 was running an ad for it's trifecta of trainwreck narcissim featuring Rock of Love, My Fair Brady and Scott Baio is 45...And A Tool, using the inspired choice of (thanks for the chyron in this case) Ben Lee's "American Television." Solely through pop culture osmosis, I knew two things about Ben Lee up until that point - a) he is Australian and b) he once dated Mandy Moore. While I wasn't totally in love with the album after I finally listened to it, there were certainly enough good songs to make it worthy of downloading. As a matter of fact, I apparently wasn't the only one who realized there was a possible marketing opportunity here (really? you think?) - about a month after the ad stopped airing, VH1 added the actual video to its limited rotation of music video programming.



So this is how it's going to be now, I guess - we're forced to use commercials for things we don't even want as our introduction to new music. I just hope the cold hard truth of that inspires the creative use of lesser-known artists. I'm proof that it actually will entice people to purchase music by the artist in question. It does take the extra step of digging around on the internet sometimes, but when your iPod has 10,000 songs that you don't want to hear, isn't it worth it?

"LA Ink" - The longest hour of my life

Previously in the life of Kat Von D:

• Kat does many realistic portrait tattoos of dead babies, grandparents.
• Kat threatens the masculinity of Ami James by virtue of her mere presence.
• Kat ditches inexplicable, trolly husband.
• Kat loses roughly 25 lbs, probably at the behest of network executives.

All of which seems much more interesting than anything that happened on Monday night.

I watched "Miami Ink" more regularly in the first season that I do now, but I always liked Kat. She seemed low-key and cool, and I thought it would be fun to go drinking with her and Kelly Clarkson. And she is tall, which I appreciate. So I was happy that she has her own show, and I'm thoroughly fascinated with watching the motley parade of folks getting tattoos. Seeing people justify why they want a dolphin holding a rose - graffiti-style - to commemorate their divorce (they're FREE now, you see!) is always entertaining.*

But, for the love of gawd, how did it actually take 42 minutes (excluding the airtime devoted to the GEICO cavemen) for the following to occur:

Walking around Hollywood. So edgy! So awesome! It's like the "Welcome to the Jungle" video where Axl gets off the bus and is seduced by the glamorous rock and roll underworld. Also heroin. Except Kat isn't shooting up in the bathroom at the Whisky - she's meeting with her contractor. Dude, talking about construction is almost as rad as WATCHING IT HAPPEN. But don't worry, there will be some of that later. But Kat's contractor has full sleeves and wears an ironic fedora so it's totally edgy.

To be fair, Kat does do a tattoo for Eric Balfour, whose character on "Conviction" was cute and charming and evidently nothing like how he is in real life - which is sort of a tool. His tattoo is a skull with butterflies, which somehow represents that he really digs living in LA - because it's awesome! Kat agrees that LA is awesome. The design is based on (wait for it) the album art for HIS BAND. Of course he's in a band. They show a brief clip of Eric Balfour's band - wow, OK. Do not want.

Kat walks around LA some more, and it's still awesome! She tries to convince Corey Miller, one of her mentors, to come work at her shop instead of his. Even though his shop actually exists and hers...not so much right now. Corey makes like he won't do it, but we've all seen the print ads, and so we knew how that's going to end up.

Seriously? We're only 20 minutes in? Dude.

Then it's off on a countrywide "search" to introduce us to the other artists that have already been hired. Many shots of planes taking off and other cities that are not as awesome as LA. Which is obviously why Kat is able to get them to pick up and move pretty easily. I mean, her argument is basically, "Dudes! I'm opening a shop in LA - which is awesome, by the way! Come work for...I mean, with me! In my shop! That doesn't exist yet!" She could sell ice to Eskimos, that one.

Kat does another tattoo (we're up to 2, if you're counting and you shouldn't bother) - a half-sleeve consisting of (I am not making this up) the LA skyline. What? LA has a skyline? I wasn't aware of any building there having more than 5 floors. Kat explains that she really wants to do a good job, since she would be totally dissing the awesomeness of LA if every little detail isn't perfect. Truly, I had no idea that the LA skyline was so distinctive. But I do not for one second question it's awesomeness.

Oh, PS, Kat is really glad to be back in LA. Because it's her hometown. And because LA is amazingly awesome. Those of us who don't live in LA...well, we can never truly understand the awesome awesomeness that is LA.

Is it over? Finally? Thank God. I mean, it's not like TLC isn't going to rerun it 150 times before next week's exciting installment - when Kat gets to watch more construction in action (rad!) and sit around at sidewalk cafes with her newly relocated staff. Because the shop? Still? Not so much.

* I have tattoos, and I intend on getting more. So I feel fully entitled to pass judgement on people who get completely asinine - albeit well-executed - body art. Especially people who make it my business by getting said body art on national television.

Welcome to my Friday night

How does anyone live without cable?

Just Saying: Geek Rock Edition

The new Fall Out Boy video was on VH1 this morning.

Hey, guys?

Barenaked Ladies called. They want their schtick back.

But you can keep the eyeliner.

Gay boyfriend!

I was on my way back from the post office this afternoon - not my favorite place, but I needed to mail something, and they do a better job than me throwing it out the window and hoping for the best - when I thought to myself, "That looks like Ted Allen." Oh, that's because it is Ted Allen. Squee!

Probably because he practices a decidedly low-level brand of faggotry and a high level of withering disdain, I used to have a delightful crush on Ted Allen. And there he was on the corner of 23rd St and 7th Ave - right in front of the hot dog place. Make of that what you will.

This was sort of funny, only in that I had seen Clinton Kelly on the 1 train on my way to work a few months ago. I also adore Clinton Kelly, despite the fact that the American version of "What Not To Wear" is a crime against popular culture. And, really, it's just wrong because that man is something like 6'4" and looks as though could bench press me. Must you mock me, fates? Wither the tremendously sturdy straight men?

Although, to be honest, neither Clinton nor Ted can be my true gay boyfriend - my heart already belongs to Andrew, the manager of my local Chipotle. He is faaabulous and gives me free burritos, evidently just for showing up. Unless he thinks I'm packing something that I'm not, and that would be highly embarrassing for both of us.

MTV Quote of the Day

"If I've learned anything, it's that girls only like fat guys who lie!"

No, we like fat guys who beat us too.

All the good ideas are taken

You might be asking yourself what I do on Saturday nights. This is, after all, the town where anything can happen. After Sex & The City starting showing in syndication, my mother made the hilarious comment, "I imagine that's kind of what your life is like." My life involves a lot more enduring rock bands at Piano's, not as much time spent at brunch. Generally speaking, I spend my weekends recovering from whatever late nights I've had during the week, and often nachos are involved. Do you know what goes well with nachos? Headbanger's Ball.

I'm not particularly Metal!, by most standards. In fact, I find the majority of what's commonly considered heavy metal pretty ridiculous. My tastes - while more generous than, say, the writers at Pitchfork - tend to run along the lines of Bands From The UK and Music Made By People Who Could Conceivably Have Had Sex At Least Once, preferably both. With a few exceptions, there just isn't a place in my life soundtrack for RWWAAAAARRR and machine-gun drumming. As Leslie once pointed out, "I'm just not that angry."It's really true. Withering disdain is highly effective and much less taxing than outright hate.

Part of the reason that I make a point to watch Headbanger's Ball is because it's one of the few times MTV2 even shows videos anymore. (Not that Real World vs. Road Rules isn't a spectacularly good use of airtime - I fully support any endeavor that allows those people to avoid getting regular jobs in lieu of mud wrestling and talking shit about each other.) But beyond that, it seems like these are videos were never really meant to see the light of day in a forum larger than the people on band's mailing list. So more often than not they're pretty interesting, whether because of painfully low production value or totally bizarre overall concept. I especially liked the one with the Japanese schoolchildren who were eating and then throwing up lots of cereal. So while I'm not going to run out and buy the new Bury Your Dead album (definitely not for lack of advertising on their part, though), I'm glad there's an outlet for videos other than those that suggest a guy pulled up with a semi and asked, "Did anyone order a rock video?"

When I made the snap decision to go to film school, it was mainly because I'm bad at math and that seemed the easier way to assure a Calculus-free couple of years. Hey, I was 17, what did I know? On the other hand, I always had a secret desire to be a music video director. It became even more secret when I discovered that directing videos was one rung below making kiddie porn on the Ladder of Cred at NYU. This was, of course, back before we were all encouraged to sell our souls at the altar of pop culture - in the most ironic fashion, of course. Selling out is the new artistic integrity! It's probably all for the best since it became evident rather quickly that I was a terrible director. Of anything. There's a lot more math involved in the process than one would think.

In the last couple of years, as we began the steady decline into unabashed mediocrity - I've given up hope of basic standards for entertainment ever being raised higher than "not horrible" - I wonder if there would ever be a place for the kind of videos I wanted to make. Sometimes there are Bands From The UK That Have Likely Had Sex who step up, but generally speaking, we like the guy with the semi to handle things. Someone find an empty warehouse and some stools! Back light that son of a bitch, and we're good! So thank you, Headbanger's Ball. Thank you for showing me that a bass player in a monkey suit could make me believe in dreams again.